Been a year.
And it's like it we never happened.

But look how far we've come.
You were right :)
(I don't know how you are but I hope you're doing well, too)

I just turned 23.
By this age, a lot of people have had a lot of their firsts already.
First love, first kiss, first relationship, first heartbreak, first child.
HAHAHAHAHA! I'm kidding!

Of all of these, the only thing I'm sure I've had is a relationship. Then again, I'm not so sure. 
Very few of my friends know of it. Some of them only knew about it when it was over. My parents, to this day, know nothing. 

But it's been long over. A year over, to be exact.

If we were ever to talk again, I guess we'd both agree that it was a path we both should not have taken. Hehe. We weren't the best of friends but we had the best time at least trying to be so. 

So the question begs, minahal nga ba ako and minahal ko ba?
Until now, I feel very conflicted about this. If I ever loved him, I wouldn't want to be loved the way I did him. I wouldn't have let him go and let him down the way I did. 

If he ever loved me, I guess I would've felt it. I would know.  I wouldn't have felt so alone. I wouldn't have looked for attention and affection outside of the relationship (No, I did not cheat).

It's a little mutual, if you view it from this standpoint. We were both never really invested.

Still, I admit I was very hurt. But I've come to realize that the pain you feel does not mean that it was love that it had replaced. I don't know what's more shameful or painful: to have your heart broken with your absolute consent and knowledge or to have no love in your heart.

Yes, there is a deeper pathology to this. I don't expect anyone to understand. But for those who tried, thank you. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but thank you. It's not you nor me--it's just not meant to be. 

I've heard that a story without love is a story not worth telling.

Well, if it weren't love, I think it was the farthest I've ever gone. Am I ready to go farther? I don't know. Knowing what I know now, I hope so :)

And if it were by any chance love, quoting a Beatles' song...

In my life, I've loved you more :)

But what kind of heart doesn't look back?
-Breathe Again, Sara Bareilles
 

Your thoughts? :)

 

As I write this, I feel this hollow, yet harrowing pain in my heart.
I never knew it was possible to feel this way again--like someone died and took a piece of me with them. If we were to be technical about it, my hypothalamus can't process the pain.

For as long as I remember, I've tried to protect my heart. Despite people expecting me to be "damaged" or "broken" given my background, I loved and respected myself enough to see myself through that. And I believed in the goodness of people and the greatness of love. I was a closet romantic and believer in that happy ending. I'd choose death before I'd admit that, but really, I am :)

It took me 21 years and 2 or 3 proposals before I finally allowed myself to fall in love. I had my mind set on having one relationship and sticking with it for forever.

It was easy to not be in a relationship for me because I really had limited interaction with the opposite sex. (Sorry, I don't swing both ways. Just wanted to be clear about that.) College was just like St. Scho with boys here and there, no one of interest. So K, a high school acquaintance and eventually best friend turned IDK-what-exactly, was a surprise. 

I didn't think he'd fall in love with me. And it was silly because it was all I wanted for so long. A week before I left for another country, I gave up on that thought because it seemed as though he wasn't going to follow through with his actions. (and by follow through, I mean I thought he was never going to ask me) 

That was when I met C. And by met, I mean, began to see in a new light. You could say it was the magic of being in a romantic country. But to be fair, during that time, it was still K that was in my heart. But right before I went home, somehow things started and led to where it is right now. Or was.

But that was also apparently the time where K had figured out what he felt for me. I could defend myself saying that I just made a choice--as he had asked me. But all the twists and turns that led to the decision of choosing not to be with him were admittedly unforgivable. 

I think if we're talking about gestures of love, he would win the prize hands down. He traveled half way around the world to be with me. He was brave enough to face my parents. He made an effort to become friends with my friends. He stayed with me through the toughest times with C.

But the downside was, that was it. He seemed so unsure about everything except with his feelings for me. And while most girls would appreciate that (even I did. a lot.), I wanted more FOR him. To borrow the most overused cliche, he deserved better. A few months later, he went back to the US, had his own run of relationships and I think, as I write this, he's perfectly happy and with little regret, if any, as he is now with someone whom he thinks is all worth the pain.

I'm happy for him. And to be perfectly honest, looking back at the whole picture, part of me acknowledges the fact that I deserve this. After breaking a few hearts, even with the best intentions and even with breaking my own heart in the process, I knew this was coming.

I must admit, I have so much regret as I was able to realize a lot of things outside of my relationship with C. Given the period from where this all started until this very moment, I was able to dissect myself and the relationship and was able to map out problems--and even the solutions.

But what's there to fix? Weren't we broken up already? That's when I decided to reach out and settle things. I'm not going to lie that I hoped against hope for us to be able to fix it. 

Much as it pains me to admit it, I begged asked if we could give it another try. And I don't know if it's the constant use of the explanation but I just needed a little more than what went like "IT'S WHAT'S BEST FOR US".

He believed that if we were to try again, we needed to be stable--which in his mind, neither of us were so. To a degree, I agree with him. And maybe, as he said, right now, I'm just too emotional to grasp the reason behind him walking away. I just really believed that we've been through SO MUCH WORSE...SO MUCH MORE DRAMA...SO MUCH MORE PAINFUL THINGS...of which I never asked for any reason...to give up on this so easily. But we did.

So this is how it feels to be dumped. For someone to give up on you. For someone to decide that it's not worth it. I can't brainwash myself to believe that I've been through worse and I'll get through this. I know that. It's just heartbreaking, or even faith-shattering, to have believed in something for so long only to let it go because it was the better thing to do.

I remember when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I asked him what if it didn't work and I end up losing him...he told me, he never really considered that option. Hindi niya raw iniisip yun. But if it were to happen, at least we tried daw.

I guess that was the deciding factor for me. I was always unsure of how I felt and him being so sure about me was...comforting. What's painful is the last part...did we really try? This is one of those questions that's better left unanswered because its answer has no bearing anymore. It won't change things. It can't heal hearts.

C was, and is, a good man. And as the best cliches go, he just wasn't that good man for me. And neither was I that girl, for him. 

Truth is, this isn't the first time I've fallen in love. I can't say that this was the first time I had my heart broken. He isn't even my first kiss. (Because I've never kissed anyone. Yes. And no, it isn't a contributing factor to what had happened.) But that doesn't make it hurt any less or worth any less. I loved the guy. I loved him enough to have told him that for the first and last time, last night.

It hurts to not have heard him say it back--or at all. But I guess we're past the point of pretending and a lie, at this point, would hurt so much more. I'm not sure if he ever loved me, actually. But I no longer want to dwell on the thought that the way he feels for me now was just the same way as he felt for me from the very start--nothing. Hah. SAKLAP. No english word for that.

You asked me once why I liked 500 Days of Summer
and I never really gave you the real answer.
I liked it because I thought that maybe, we were each other's Autumn :)

Thank you for the 428 days** of being together. And the 3 years before that. Today is Day 1, and as I promised, I'll be okay.

Of course, this wouldn't be complete without an official break-up anthem. This is now my battle cry. I just really want to be happy :)

 **Supposedly just 365. But I decided to count the time from our break-up to this very moment...when I've decided to finally let it go. Day 1 :)